Project Positivity #1: New York.

I really could not start this project with anything else. New York. The city. The state. I know I have talked about it briefly before, but I do not feel I really did justice to my feelings. Hopefully, this entry will rectify that.

I have said it many times in conversation but New York was (and is) the first true love of my life. In terms of positivity, I cannot think of a single thing that quite matches New York. Friends and partners may come and go but you never forget your first real love.

Growing up, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Sure, I had friends who were (and in some cases still are) very dear to me but I always felt out of place. Something about where I lived just did not feel right. There is no rational or logical explanation I can offer for this, it is just how I felt. At the same time, I was becoming increasingly exposed to American culture. This could be in movies, TV shows, music or anything else. The seed of desire to experience and live in the United States had been planted.

It was not until I was 16 that I was able to set foot in the United States of America. The trip was only for six days, but I was excited. America, finally. Many people in my family had told me that the image I had constructed in my head would not be matched by the reality. I was to be realistic in order to stave off disappointment. I tried to erase the wonderful images I had in my imagination of what New York would be. I was unable to.

New York City not only met my expectations, but surpassed them. I was absolutely enraptured by it. Enthralled. Mesmerized. The sheer scale of it was utterly breath taking. The noise was like nothing I had ever experienced in the UK. It was beautiful. Even the sweltering humidity of August in New York was not enough to tarnish the experience. I was in love.

It was more than that, however. Beyond the aesthetics of what was the most beautiful city I had ever laid eyes on were two intangibles. Two aspects of New York that are difficult to quantify and even more difficult to explain logically or empirically.

The first of these intangibles is something that so many people credit the city with: the energy. The air in New York feels electric. It did the first time I was there, and it does not fade with time. The entire city feels alive and exciting even if you are just strolling down the street with no particular plans or destination. It is something that cannot be adequately expressed except between people who have experienced it. Every time I have revisited New York, the sight of that world famous skyline appearing on the horizon never fails to excite me. There is no law of diminished returns for me. Being in the Big Apple, I feel alive in a way that does not seem possible anywhere else.

The second aspect that is difficult to defend using logic is quite simple. I finally felt at home. Yes, I had a building in the UK in which I kept all my possessions and which also housed my family but it never felt like a home. Not really. I did not know what the feeling of home was until I saw New York. While it is true that I feel excited any time I am in New York City, it is accompanied by the feeling of being at ease with my surroundings. As excited as I become, part of that excitement comes from the fact that I always feel like this is where I am meant to be.

I was born in the wrong country.

Feeling at home is not limited to New York City either. It extends to the entirety of New York State. I spent four months living in Utica (a city in upstate New York) and have spent several weeks on Long Island. In all three of those places I feel the same sense of ease and of belonging. It does not have to do with the people (although a lot of them certainly have helped), but with the places themselves. Funnily enough, I have visited other states of the Union as well as Washington D.C. I can appreciate these cities and states for all of their individual beauties and points of interest, yet that feeling of home has not been felt anywhere but within the State of New York. I have no reason to offer why that is the case, but it is. I love the United States and want to visit as much of it as possible in my lifetime, but I highly doubt that anywhere will ever feel as much like home as New York will.

I adore New York. Absolutely and without apology. Many people have bad experiences of it, or will be quick to point out its flaws or shortcomings. I can listen and accept these comments but they will not alter my mind at all. I have a tattoo on the inside of my left arm of an apple. The symbol of New York. I had no doubts about a New York inspired tattoo because the city and state have shaped my life in such a significant way that their influence can never be denied. Even if I never achieve my goal of living there, New York will forever be the first true love of my life.